Monday, January 6, 2014

New Years Resolutions for the Realist

We're six days into January, which means a few things. It might mean you're still working on your post-holiday gift exchanges. If you're in Chicago like I am, it means that it's 45 degrees below zero and walking outside will freeze your face off in five seconds flat (trust me- I just made the attempt. It wasn't pretty). But most of all, six days into the new year means people are slowly but surely starting to abandon their lofty resolutions in favor of their old ways.
Yeah, this is what I'm dealing with outside my apartment doors.
Anyone who's been to the gym since January 1 has seen firsthand the effects of the #newyearnewme attitude. People all over decided simultaneously that starting a new calendar also means they have to start a new workout regimen, a new paleo diet, a new way to budget their money. As I've said before, I think New Years resolutions are a bit silly- why wait until January 1st to change the things you've been wanting to change? But I'll admit, it's easy to get caught up in the hype. And the downfall of resolving to better yourself is that if you don't, it's easy to get down on yourself about it. No one has known true self-loathing like the twentysomething with the neglected yoga class membership, sitting on her ass watching the day's eighth episode of One Tree Hill and eating a whole sleeve of Oreos (Totally not talking about myself. When I do it, it's The Carrie Diaries and Hostess cupcakes. It's different somehow, I swear). 
So a week into the year, how about we revise our resolutions to something a bit more attainable? Without further ado, my suggestions for the millenial's realistic resolutions. (Try saying realistic resolutions ten times fast, I dare you)

1. Hone those emoji skills
There's nothing worse (Okay, I'm being hyperbolic. There are a lot of things worse than this, but humor me.) than being in a group text with all your closest friends and having this happen. Your friend says something funny, and you have THE PERFECT EMOJI IN MIND as a reply. But you can't find it quickly enough! So many categories! Is the guitar emoji under the bell or the flower heading? Why is there a bell heading? And before you know it, one of your other friends has responded with the emoji you were desperately searching for, effectively stealing your joke thunder. 
What does it say about me that the hairflip is MY most used emoji?
So in 2014, let's get memorizing those emojis! It's the only way you'll ever be recognized for your comedic genius, so in the end it's way better than some new workout anyway. Who needs chiseled biceps when I can send you an animated text message of chiseled biceps?

2. Stop ordering so much Grubhub 
This one sounds a lot easier than it really is, guys. Sometimes you come home at the end of the long day and the last thing you want to do is use a freaking recipe to make something with kale that your friend told you was super amazing for you. (Side note: what is kale? Why is it that we never heard about it before 2013?) Sometimes you want Chipotle. And you want it delivered. And dammit, that's okay.
But in 2014, if you're looking for a resolution that might be a little bit easier than some fad diet where you only eat eggs while balancing on one foot and singing the national anthem, this could be the compromise for you. Never forget, Hot Pockets are dinner, too.

3. Watch your Netflix queue!
You know that show your mom has been telling you is great and you totally MUST watch and you just nod and say you will but you never do? For me it's Scandal. My mother is obsessed, except in true mother fashion she can never remember what it's called and always calls it Scandals. But I digress. In my opinion, there's no better way to feel productive without going through the exhaustion of actually being productive than by watching an entire season of a show in a short time. But beware of the binge-watch hangover, where real life pales in comparison to Game of Thrones


So now that you're feeling inspired to mediocre greatness, get out there and kill it in 2014! Or at the very least, go microwave yourself some dinner and sit down with Orange Is The New Black. That's like killing it, right?

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